Archive for the ‘recovery’ Category

Poem by Ali Valenzuela

March 4, 2008
Ali wrote this poem about her experience of recovering from an eating disorder and kindly sent it to me for publication on this site. I would like to take this opportunity to commend Ali’s courage, determination and generosity. In her struggle to gain treatment for anorexia and despite being desperately ill, she has worked tirelessly to raise the profile of eating disorders in Wales.

I was lost and alone, didn’t know who to be,
and felt like an outcast, unaccepted for me.
When I needed a friend; a voice to console,
I heard a small whisper: “You’re not on your own.
I’ve seen you around and you’re needing a friend,
and i promise to be there right until the end.”
I jumped at the offer of close company,
but little did I realise quite how close it’d be.
I felt proud to decline food-it showed me my strength
To say bno to the things I would want at great length.
I felt so in control and my confidence soared,
what with all of the exercise, I was never bored.
People said “what willpower it takes to do this!”
but little did they know it came with a twist
I was hungry and needed to eat a good meal
But the voice would get louder and started to squeal:
“what the HELL are you doing, you fat, dirty BITCH?!
We’ve got you SO far, now you shovel down THIS?!
It doesn’t make sense to delay your progress!”
But by this point, I only began to obsess
about every morsel that passed my lips
Added shame and disgust to the top of my list.
Temptation’s no match for this beast that’s insidethat slowly consumed me- I had nowhere to hide.
It was eating me up, and rotting my soul-
If it were to continue, it’d swallow me whole.
My clothes wouldn’t fit and my body was frail,
but no matter my state I couldn’t possibly fail
The anorexic voice that drowned out the lot
of my terrified family, begging me to stop.
Who crept into my room in the dead of the night
To see if their daughter was still breathing alright.
People gasped at my bones that protruded my skin,
pointing with horror at ‘the girl that’s so thin!’
I was ashamed and afraid, so much internal pain,
I thought i would never become me again
It was the worst nightmare i could possibly know
as even when I woke up, it was there in full flow.
At a rock bottom where I could have easily died
Finally, hospital help had arrived!
It took all away control of anorexia’s ways
and slowly but surely I started to change
My passion for life started to get on track
I can’t tell you how good it feels to be back!
With recovery started, I learnt to control
The anorexic voice, and listen to my own.
But I still live in terror of the voice I followed,
Dragging me back to it’s world of sorrow
So I’m sharing my story of horror and pain
to prevent this from happening to anyone again
I can never repay those who supported me through
the hardest time of my life- all i say is Thankyou.

xxx
Ali Valenzuela

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Recovering from Anorexia – real life experience

February 18, 2008

 

 

 

Below is an extract from the diary of a recovering anorexic…

“Today I am in battle, and I appear to be losing. The fight against my enemy seems to be a losing one, and I am backing away in retreat. All my bravery is gone, and my tears tell of my shame. what is wrong me? I scream inside but no one responds. Its that voice that ridicules me when I feel my stomach jiggle as I walk. The same voice that reminds me that I can no longer see the bottom of my rib cage. It is still the same voice that begs me to change who I am, but savors the parts I have refused to change. So who is crying these tears? which part of me? the voice or me? and which part is me? Which one is real?

I cant do this. I don’t even know how to love who I am. Where is the line between loving who you are and having the drive to be healthy. When I tell people I struggle with an eating disorder, they smile in disbelief. “Look at her,” I can almost hear them think, “She does not have the body of someone who is anorexic.” But they can’t hear the voice I still carry around. The one that tells me my pants are too tight, and that jacket doesn’t fit the way it used to.

And I have good days and bad ones. One day I actually thought I might wear a bikini this year. Something I have never done. And today I believe I never will.

What started this melt down of emotions, and the retreat of a once winning battle. I did laundry today, and the pants that were always a little loose, I struggled to button. “That’s normal,” some would say. But my voice tells me, even though I think I was winning, that I am losing.

My arms are flabby now. Your stomach has rolls. The cellulite on your legs goes to your knees. Did you know that your hips are wider than your shoulders. Your cheeks are the focus of your face, and when you turn around ppl can see the rolls on your back. Your ugly. Your fat. You have no control.

My God. My Jesus. You died for this. You say I am worth it, and the battle is already won, but how, Lord, do I claim my victory. Would it be better if you made me lose about ten pounds. Or if the cellulite disappeared.

I will learn to love this. No matter how much I weigh. I will continue to eat healthy, and exercise, and I will learn to love this. This body. This stomach. These hips.

I will not retreat, this battle already has a victor. I cannot retreat. But I still cry”.

By “Struggling Victor” Feb ’08

Anorexia, illness and addiction (short audio/film)

February 4, 2008

A short video aimed ar people who suffer from anorexia. Inspirational and pro-recovery. Copy and paste the link below: http://www.osyakuza.com/2008/02/04/anorexia-illness-addiction-and-choice/